Let’s just get this out in the open and say that one of the hottest positions in sex is holding up your partner while you pump away. There are some pitfalls though. One of the main problems being positioning, either you run the risk of falling over backwards and ruining your back (making it more difficult to thrust in the future) or you smash your partner against a wall which, depending on construction, may have the two of you bursting through like some sort of intertwined juggernaut.

But we still want to play don’t we?  So let’s look to the PLAYground. Maybe some other time we will look towards the sex slide or sex monkey bars, but today it is the sex SWING. The swing was invented a long time ago and according to my sexual history degree (not accredited) it was likely used for carnal release days after creation. So now we can participate in the standing up plowing we all know and love while your lover is suspended in the air, and have the added bonus of an extra range of motion which you don’t have while merely holding them up. Let’s take a look at five that you just HAVE to try.

1.)Back to 20s Luxury Heavy Duty Indoor Swing w/ Steel Triangle Frame and Spring

We start out by exploring your wild side.  The leopard print swing belts will have you feeling like Tarzan while giving it to your own personal Jane.  The bonus here is instead of attempting to construct anything out of vines, your partner will instead be supported by the fluffy bands so that when you bungle in the jungle they will be be supported and comfortable.

2.) The 360 Spinning Sex Swing – Includes Frame, Spring and Hook (Yellow Leopard)

Around the world in eighty seconds, or minutes, though Jules Verne would recommend days. After the intense arousal you were feeling after thinking about the 360 degree range of motion that this swing offers I figured I would conjure up an image of an old dead author to calm you down. The Trinity 360 Degree Spinning Sex Swing is great for those that love to switch positions in the bedroom. Imagine no longer having that awkward in between phase when going from missionary to doggy. Now just a quick spin and you can get right back into it.

People love the long, hard, thick… spring that comes with this model.  It is heavy duty and provides even more comfort and stability. The Trinity 360 Degree Spinning Sex Swing will be sure to have you and your partners heads spinning after use each and every time.

3.) Utimi Hanging on Door Bondage Sex Swing in Black

The Utimi Hanging on Door Bondage Sex Swing in Black is a great choice for those just starting out, those looking for some discretion, or those who are very cheap. Worry not about having to install it on a ceiling and hoping and praying that your horny carpentry skills were up to par.  You can use this on just about any door in your house.  At an absurdly low price point, anybody can pick this up and get their kink on.

Let’s say you want to get a quick session in before the in-laws come over for dinner at your new house. You know that they will want to inspect every little bit so that they can verbally compliment and mentally judge your new abode. But you will know that you just finished ravishing their daughter against the very door that they are now commenting on. You have of course already hidden the Utimi Hanging on Door Bondage Sex Swing in a closet. You then knowingly smirk at your wife.

4.) Whip Smart Pleasure Swing, Wild Cheetah

Adjustable, adjustable, adjustable. That is the defining trait of the Whip Smart Pleasure Swing. Myself, I am not a very good “measure twice, cut once” kind of person. I am more of the “get it set up as quickly as possible and start using this damn thing” individual.

So lets say we are too horned up and ready to go at it to realllllly get things set up right. Then halfway through somebody starts to get a kink in their leg or some other discomfort. In a normal sex swing this would mean having to get out, readjust, and then get back in. In this amount of time boners die, each precious second you are out of the swing your manfriend could start thinking about baseball, video games, food, and other countless things that may keep you from getting the climax you need while they quickly jack off somewhere.

Not so in the Whip Smart Pleasure Swing. This baby can adjust while you are in it. So a quick reset here or there and right back at it. The good people at Whipsmart want to make sure you both finish.

5.)YOGABODY Naturals Yoga Trapeze-Yoga Swing/Sling/Inversion Tool, Orange

Okay we are going to have a very quick vocabulary lesson. Do you know what inversion means in the title of the YOGABODY Naturals Yoga Trapeze-Yoga Swing/Sling/Inversion Tool? It means UP SIDE DOWN. I’ll just let that setting in your mind for a moment. Do the standing 69 that you never thought possible before. Not all sex swings have to be inherently sex swings. Some can operate under the guise of something else. In this case the devil looked for some help from India. Out of the gifts India has given us, two come to mind right now. Yoga, and of course THE KAMASUTRA.  What better tool to utilize both than the YOGABODY Naturals Yoga Trapeze-Yoga Swing/Sling/Inversion Tool.  So both of you center your chakras as you use ancient eastern techniques until mutual carnal explosion.

Also let’s face it, we can all use to be a little more flexible, especially in the bedroom. So from time to time actually use the YOGABODY Naturals Yoga Trapeze-Yoga Swing/Sling/Inversion Tool for well, yoga. Both your body and your lover will thank you when it is time to get it on with the fierceness of Kali (that bloody-titted, four armed Hindu evil goddess).

 

So there you have it pervs, pervettes, kinksters, kinsterettes, and all other wonderful sexual beings out there. Now nothing stands in your way, you have the know-how, the options, and already had the desire. So go out there and make a purchase so you can start swingin today!

 

Why good evening my delightful decadent deviants. Today we are going to discuss a cleaner (oh my) topic. Okay you can now shut your gaping mouths and unclutch those pearls, we are still discussing something that happens in porn so don’t worry.

Cleanliness is next to godliness they always say, and while usually we tend more towards the devilishness, there are times where we will want to look to our haloed brethren. It is always good to be clean prior to some intense sexual escapades.

Obviously this does not include messing around with food in the bedroom. In the least subtle way possible, we’re going to discuss how to avoid shitting on your partner. For the purposes of this article we are talking about good old clean American bangin.

…. in the butt. Yes kids, today we are going to discuss enemas. Enemas, or anal douches (Bono) depending on the circles you run in are a rather important part of nice happy clean anal play. This is especially true for the squeamish who would rather not have one molecule of their member touch upon thine shit.

This is not going to be a glamorous moment in your life that you look back on with fond memories. Putting up with this now however means you and your partner can enjoy a wild night of passion. It will be worth it!

Just some more procedural crap (I crack myself up sometimes). You don’t want to douche too often. There are some bacteria that old Ralph Rectum produces that are kind of important, so you don’t want to be washing that out all the time. Also you will want to use plenty of lube after, since you are washing away butt lubricants as well. Getting anything in there without lube is going to be like trying to put a rubber glove on a wet hand.

Okay one last last bit I swear. We use the word douche but GOOD GOD DO NOT THINK YOU CAN USE SOME MASSENGIL ASS SHIT IN YOUR BUTT. Rule of thumb, no vinegar in the ass. Your butt is a princess, so warm water is the only fluid allowed up there for now. What fluids you allow up there later on is entirely your choice…

So the quick and dirty rules are:

1. Put water in your ass
2. Expel the water
3. Repeat until the water is clear

They’ll recommend you take an old dumper about an hour prior. You will want to lube the applicator as you need to get it up a bit in there to do the job properly. BY NO MEANS TRY USING ONE OF THOSE EAR/SUCK UP BABY SNOT BULBS. What’s that small-ass thing gonna do, tell your asshole hello and spit on it a little bit?

Now that the fun is out of the way, lets take a look at a few enema kits that we can use to clean our filthy dark colon.

1.) Douche / Enema for Women and Men – Large (7.6oz) x 2 Nozzles – Soft Safe Medical Bulb – by Cor-Vital

Okay gang we are going to start simple. And what could be simpler than the old enema bulb. It is nice for our budget conscious folks. It is basically a heartier version of the ear bulb I was railing on about a bit earlier. This one though has the balls necessary to get up in there and get water where it needs to be. After you are done you will want to wash one of the two nozzles that it comes with (whichever was in your ass of course) with antibacterial soap.

For those that don’t wanna fuck around, and get the water in that ass, the Douche / Enema for Women and Men by Cor-Vital is the way to go.

2.) Douche and Enema System by Healthy Vibes (10 oz, Black) – Deluxe Home Enema for Anal or Vaginal Douching Aids in Hygiene 

Here we have the old two in one. This bad boy can be used to squirt into either the butt of an individual or a vagina (something in a vagina? Well I’ll be damned). The Douche and Enema System by Healthy Vibes is a bit more curved than the previous entry, to ensure easy insertion into any hole. It also sports a flat base to keep from tipping over.

There is one bit in the product description of The Douche and Enema System by Healthy Vibes though: “ They’re compatible with all types of liquids, so you can use the enema with lemon juice, tea, or whatever fluid you prefer. ” No kids, we are not brewing Earl Grey in our assholes. We have not leveled up to such an act. WE ARE STICKING WITH WATER.

These last few are all from butt cleaning experts Cleanstream. It seems when you need some top rated things to shove up your ass and sandblast away the nastiness, Cleanstream are the folks you want to talk to. We go into a few… more different enema kits from here on out.

3.) Easy Flow Enema Cleansing Kit with Silicone Attachment

Our first step down the Cleanstream path is the Easy Flow Enema Cleansing Kit with Silicone Attachment. This is one of them there doohickeys that attaches right to your shower nozzle. Basically you attach it to the nozzle, and use the flow control so that it doesn’t fire hose so hard water comes out of your mouth.

The Easy Flow Enema Cleansing Kit also comes with a delectably sensual silicone attachment. Hell yeah we get to talk about hot stuff for a second. Enemas are very arousing for some folks. This gives us the added bonus of getting to be fucked by the enema. In my parts we call this the old “Ream and Clean”.

It is still recommended that the ass water gets expelled into the toilet as opposed to spraying your shower with it, but hey we aren’t cleaning it up.

4.) Cleanstream Toilet Enema Attachment Set

Well looky here. Hrrm.. gee we have to spew out the shit water into the toilet. So why not turn the toilet into an enema? The Cleanstream Toilet Enema Attachment Set gives us the halfway bidet that we have always dreamed of. Well of course it contains a lot more penetration.

The Cleanstream Toilet Enema Attachment Set is a lot like the shower attachment, but doesn’t make us have to go into the shower to use it. You attach it to the valve at the base of the toilet, and can control the flow going into your ass. We call this the “we have no quippy saying for an asshose on the toilet” in my parts.

5.) Cleanstream Premium Silicone Enema Set

Okay here we go, the doctor’s delight. If you want some quality ass enemas, here is where we wanna go. The Cleanstream Premium Silicone Enema Set could easily masquerade in any hospital. This is the wonderful gravity bag and hose model. This one even comes with a travel bag so we can make house calls!

When I accidentally (yeah accidentally) end up watching enema porn it involves a bag system. So it may just be that The Cleanstream Premium Silicone Enema Set could spice up your explosive sex life. It could also possibly get you your start as a budding adult film actress.

This model is top of the line with a bag that can hold a gallon of fluid. It also contains four tips and a flexible hose to be able to receive the most comfortable enema possible.

 

So there we have it gang, I apologize that this probably left you less erect/wet than usual. But hey this was a worthwhile subject to cover. So why not get on over and peruse these premiere ass cleaning products for your ribald rumps today.